Japan

One Shot

welcome

long walks with headphones

dot

We’re back to long walks at lunchtime, and thoughts of how short this life is. Sounds a little grim, I know, but I can honestly say I’m happier overall than I ever was in Boston. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and processing. Evaluating where I stand in relation to myself and others, and within this span of time I’ve got here doesn’t have to be depressing, just thoughtful. “Man you’re a positive lady!” was actually said to me recently, so no need to worry.

I met someone a couple of months ago who I consider to be the best addition I’ve made to my circle of friends in some time. While waiting for the train the other day, he recounted a story as background to something that’s going on in his life currently. When it came back around to the present situation, all I had to offer was that I believe we’ve only got one shot at this life thing, and there’s not much worse than looking back and wishing you’d taken a chance or followed through on something that you didn’t. I’ve been haunted by his background story these past few days, so taking chances and following through are definitely on the brain.

Re: following through, for the first time in long time, I’m making some actual headway on my shortlist of life goals. By which I mean, I’m actually working on one, and living another (though not for the first time).

The Big Short List

• Graduate from college
• Live alone
• Train in a martial art (ongoing, in progress)
• Become fluent in at least one other language
• Learn to sing (voice lessons)
• Live overseas for at least a year
• Jump out of a plane (skydiving)
• Master the smoky eye (this is a new, rather comical one, but it has its place)

Most of this list has existed for as long as I can remember, so it’s pretty sad that I’ve made so little progress. My new-found affiliation with the Bujinkan actually has me quite frustrated that I waited so long to get started on this one. I’ve wanted to train in a martial art since I was a little kid – what took me so long?! I would be so good by now! Ah well, at least I’m finally on the path. I’ve been going 3-5 times a week, and while I totally suck at it, I’m enjoying every moment of it. So rewarding.

I’m not sure what’s going to be next on this list… perhaps the smoky eye, since a friend has offered to help me down that path. Ha.

soaked, tired, happy

drips

On the positive tip, here’s another list:

Things I’m Thankful For (right this moment)

• The smell of bacon that’s floating in the window
• Coffee, despite the recent price increase
• Old, dear friends
• Memories
• My family
• Korean BBQ
• This cooler weather
• This cooler weather (SO thankful)
• The sounds of the wild parrots who live nearby
• My ability to connect with people
• Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu, and my teachers
• Friends I haven’t seen in 10+ years who I’ve managed to stay connected to
• My relatively good health (strange, since I’m sick today)

I haven’t been posting here much – life (work and taijutsu) can be so distracting – but for the couple of you who actually read this, you may be interested in my photo project, A Year of Days. By design, I’m accountable to my friend Ryan (who is my co-conspirator on the project), so I’ve actually been updating that regularly. No words, but still…

Be well. Take chances.

On Specialization, Taijutsu, and Sinkholes

heading home early (banksy in boston)

cooler air

I just read this and it reminded me of an earlier post, and my friend RT’s response to my concerns:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
- Robert Heinlein

Speaking of fighting efficiently, I joined a Budo Taijutsu dojo over the weekend. I’ve trained twice now, and have already learned quite a bit (falling, defensive techniques, jab, long range punch, joint locks, and throws). It’s amazing how little strength you need when you’re executing the techniques properly! I’ve sustained some minor bruising and skin burns (the latter fade by morning), and my quads say hello when I go up or down stairs, but my body seems to be pretty ok with it all. I know I don’t have much to go from, but I’m really enjoying it so far.

warmer weather

And now for something completely different:

Photos of a giant sinkhole in Guatemala, from New York Times’ Dot Earth blog and Yahoo News. Whoa. I can hardly wrap my brain around that.

Walking

hudson curves & shadows

lunch hour on the hudson

east river approach

After 4.5 years of always considering someone else, I find myself trying to relearn the concept of me first. I’ve always been the type of person to walk it off – whatever heavy thing “it” might be… and so I’ve been spending my lunch hours walking, listening to my iPod, smoking Nat Shermans, and alternating between looking around and staring straight ahead.

I finally made it to the Hudson, and the following day the East River. I’ve walked uptown and downtown. I’ve been taking pictures of everything along the way, which feels good. There’s been a lot of that “hello solo self, old friend” feeling.

new view

three

ripple

Also recently, I’ve been doing a lot of research into Martial Arts styles. I haven’t chosen one yet, but I’ve started to visit classes to find the right style and location for me. I think I could really benefit from the exercise, discipline, and focus that such a practice would bring.

sky over rossman

blue eye

sky over bike and hapkido dojang

To those of you who I’ve been ignoring, thanks for your emails… I keep meaning to respond but I just haven’t been in the mood to communicate. I’ll come back out from under the rock before too long. I’ve been thinking about you, and hope you’re well.

x (grenade boy)

Live Now

life is short

As I was making the decision to send my life in a new direction, I kept thinking about my old CRT monitor, on which years before I had written “LIFE IS SHORT” in paint pen. I started this post in October or November, with high hopes of a proper portrait of the monitor before I let it go, but as I got closer to unearthing it, the timer ticked down and the packing became more frenzied. I was rushing out the door on my last night to catch the last bus to New York when I realized it was still sitting there, and I had never taken its picture for this post. Thus the poorly lit, poorly shot reflection above, captured with as shit a piece of equipment as one can acquire these days: an old camera phone.

I’m not exactly sure what I want out of life yet, or how exactly I want to spend it. I know I love travel, documenting the things that I see, spending time with friends, finding silence at Echo Lake, and everything about food and the plant kingdom. I know I’m passionate about civil liberties and personal integrity, and that the combination of the two warrant an active patriotism that I haven’t explored until quite recently. I’m still working on the best way to increase the percentage of my life that I’m spending on these things, and what to prioritize.

As is generally the case with me, in the face of simultaneous big changes (new city, new job, new apartment), I spent the latter half of 2009 in introspection. Change itself is awesome, but I feel a certain weight attached to whether I’m making the *right* changes in this window of opportunity. There’s something about stepping back to think about my life as a whole that reminds me of my mortality, and sends me into a panic about what matters.

Given my list of interests and passions, it would seem that the right thing to do is shift my career away from what I do now, toward something I truly love. However, I tend to wait until conditions are just right, and waiting around for the perfect next job has gotten me nowhere in the past 7 years. I decided to stop wishing and wondering, and to just walk through the pretty damned good door that had presented itself. Staying within my field seems justified if it means the opportunity to address a number of serious quality of life issues.

Now that I’m through that open door, I’m afraid of becoming complacent. After all, these changes weren’t enough, they were just the first step. I’m afraid that like in the past, this brief period of some clarity will pass and I’ll fall into some kind of schedule with blinders.

In October there was a post called “Happier” on a blog that I read from time to time (Get Rich Slowly) that mentioned a number of common sense ways to increase happiness. Like art and music in schools, these activities are important and beneficial, but are somehow the first to be cut when my schedule becomes stressful.

The Get Rich Slowly post is a good reminder to start with the little things. I’ve started reading again, and while it makes me a little sad that a lunch hour spent eating alone and reading seems luxurious, I’m enjoying it. I’m making progress simplifying my life, mostly thanks to the yard sale I had with friends a few months back, but I took a load to Goodwill not long ago, and I’ve got plans to digitize my cassette collection so that I can finally be free of the 3 or 4 boxes of tapes that I’ve been moving from house to house. I’m trying to live with a lower stress level, and to say no more often rather than loading up my schedule. I bought some free weights online. I’m even setting goals (albeit loose) for myself, like “take lunch to work more often,” and “try to break the always-five-minutes-plus-late habit.”

—

Those last couple of months before my move found Nas in heavy rotation, in particular, this song:

I’m not sure why I always become so distracted by the unimportant things and forget about the bigger picture. The steps I’m taking may be small, but I’m taking them, and that’s a start. Maybe in lieu of my old monitor I need the words “LIVE NOW” or “LIFE IS SHORT” tattooed on my wrist or something so I can never forget.

If nothing else comes of 2010, I hope to learn to address the hurdles in the way of each facet of my happiness as they come up, instead of waiting for a 4 alarm fire to make changes. Incremental change is crucial.

Adjusting

work hood

I had a couple of “Whoa.  I live here now.” moments today.  It happens when I look out over the city from my desk’s 7th floor Manhattan view.  There are trees on the roofs.  There are new weather patterns.  The snippets of conversations I hear are in different accents.

I got an email from my old boss, and every time I see it in my inbox, I have a minor anxiety attack and sign out.  I keep having the same feeling at work when I get carried away researching a new application or something. At my old company, we had to log our time in fifteen minute increments, so that all time could be billed to somebody or some project, so I’ve been trained to catch myself and ask myself, “Can I log this time anywhere?”  At the new job I don’t have to think about that, I just have to learn.  Such a different feeling.  This afternoon, as if he could read my mind, one of the network architecture guys stopped by my desk and asked if I came from higher education or industry, then nodded knowingly and said it would take some time to adjust to.

I spent nearly an hour walking around and perusing the green market at lunch today.  An hour break!  I feel like I’m doing something wrong, or like I’m going to get in trouble for taking off for so long.  Do I sound like an abused puppy that’s afraid of people trying to pet it now?  That’s what it sounds like seeing it written down.  Whew.  That chapter is over.

For some reason I’ve been pretty exhausted when I get home, even though it’s earlier than I’m used to.  I haven’t done much unpacking this week other than shoving boxes around.  I can’t decide where I want furniture, and I can’t unpack until I know where shelves and cabinets will live.  I have unpacker’s block.

My mom and brother arrive in three weeks, to spend a week at my place for Christmas.  I wonder if there’s an unpacking or moving-in kachina.