It sounds silly, really, “sewing homework.” I keep finding myself using it as an excuse, and then I sort of laugh to myself. It has been a long time since I’ve had any homework though, and it’s amazingly hard to carve out time in my life for it. I’m falling behind a little… I finally gave up waiting on the awesome vintage pattern I bought on eBay and I’m going with a simpler one that I already have in my possession. I’ve cut out the pattern, but I haven’t bought my fabric yet, and I need to have it purchased, pinned, cut, marked, and all ready to sew by next weekend. I may be too caught up in details for sewing. We’ll see.

***

Status update:

The Short List

• Graduate from college
• Live alone
• Jump out of a plane (skydiving)
• Train in a martial art [ongoing, in progress]
• Learn to tailor my own clothing [sewing class in progress!]
• Learn to like runny eggs [in progress... made some way softer than usual recently, and finished them]
• Become fluent in at least one other language
• Learn to sing (voice lessons)
• Live overseas for at least a year
• Go to culinary school
• Master the smoky eye (this is a rather comical one, but it has its place)
• Learn to sharpen my own knives (this is about overcoming the sound that is like fingernails on a chalkboard, the chalkboard being my spine)
• Design a line of handbags
• Research my paternal genealogy

Just came across this; I posted it on Flickr ages ago, and it seems I should put it somewhere that I’m less likely to lose it. Who knows if I have another copy anywhere. Written at my desk after dark at my old job. The photo is one of the flowers mentioned… you can thank my old phone’s camera for the quality.

2005.08.31 :: the girl : not sharp, not ripe

a bit of sunlight filtered through the trees outside her window,
the darkish clouds barrelling by as if in a race…
perhaps against the leaves that had begun to turn color
above the houses, blocks away.

another day, another storm.

2 pseudo-artificially vibrant flowers in the window,
(chin up gifts from a friend)
one at attention, the other arching down toward the ripening tomato.
you would think she lived there.

old post cards on her right. days crossed off the calendar.
flag of the whiskey rebellion waving in the HVAC’s excess,
feigning strength.
she watched the sky turn black.

she stopped her thoughts to listen and
it was the same song as yesterday.

cold coffee and chocolates in front of her,
bribery for another task she had not done,
she cupped her hands and warmed her knuckles.
the wind, at least, seemed to move forward.

Summer blazes on. Somehow taijutsu has helped me to acclimate to the brutal heat and humidity, but it’s still enough to have me looking forward to Autumn. I had some respite a few weeks back when I spent a week with my Mom in the Sierras. Gorgeous lakes and hiking; can’t wait to return.

Meanwhile, The Short List is growing, but I’m also making moves to make progress, and it feels good. I’m going skydiving in a couple of weeks! This has been on the list for as long as I can remember; I’m pretty excited about the opportunity to check off such a long-standing item (and, of course, to get myself to the door of that plane and subsequently experience the free-fall).

Also booked, an evening sewing class that I’ll be taking with one of my coworkers. It’s time to work on the tailoring item. After I paid for that class, of course, someone else pointed out a 10 week sewing course at Parsons. I can take it at no cost, but I’m dithering. I know I should, but it will mean 10 weeks without a day to sleep in. Also, I’m planning to return to Japan in November, so I’ll miss 2 of the classes. That doesn’t seem like a huge deal if I’m not taking the course for credit, but I’m imagining myself stressing out about missing that instruction and not having the end of term pressure to help me finish projects. Hopefully the The Short List will provide sufficient motivation and I’ll be able to make some significant progress on that item.

Status update:

The Short List

• Graduate from college
• Live alone
• Train in a martial art [ongoing, in progress]
• Learn to tailor my own clothing [class booked]
• Jump out of a plane (skydiving) [jump booked]
• Become fluent in at least one other language
• Learn to sing (voice lessons)
• Live overseas for at least a year
• Go to culinary school
• Master the smoky eye (this is a rather comical one, but it has its place)
• Learn to sharpen my own knives (this is about overcoming the sound that is like fingernails on a chalkboard, the chalkboard being my spine)
• Design a line of handbags
• Learn to like runny eggs
• Research my paternal genealogy

Yesterday marked one calendar year that I’ve been studying taijutsu. It’s such a short time, and yet it has changed my life so completely that I can’t imagine my life without it. It was frustrating in a funny way to realize that studying a martial art isn’t an item I’ll ever get to cross off the big short list, but at the same time I realize it will allow me to always list it, and remember. I hope that when I finally get around to tackling some of these other items, I find them to be as fulfilling as this one, even in moments of failure.

I’m reposting the list because I’ve added a few items to the end of it. These have always been in my mind, but only recently did I realize that they belong here.

Gambatte.

The Big Short List

• Graduate from college
• Live alone
• Train in a martial art (ongoing, in progress)
• Become fluent in at least one other language
• Learn to sing (voice lessons)
• Live overseas for at least a year
• Jump out of a plane (skydiving)
• Master the smoky eye (this is a new, rather comical one, but it has its place)
• Learn to sharpen my own knives (this is about overcoming the sound that is like fingernails on a chalkboard, the chalkboard being my spine)
• Learn to tailor my own clothing
• Learn to like runny eggs
• Research my paternal genealogy

welcome

long walks with headphones

dot

We’re back to long walks at lunchtime, and thoughts of how short this life is. Sounds a little grim, I know, but I can honestly say I’m happier overall than I ever was in Boston. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and processing. Evaluating where I stand in relation to myself and others, and within this span of time I’ve got here doesn’t have to be depressing, just thoughtful. “Man you’re a positive lady!” was actually said to me recently, so no need to worry.

I met someone a couple of months ago who I consider to be the best addition I’ve made to my circle of friends in some time. While waiting for the train the other day, he recounted a story as background to something that’s going on in his life currently. When it came back around to the present situation, all I had to offer was that I believe we’ve only got one shot at this life thing, and there’s not much worse than looking back and wishing you’d taken a chance or followed through on something that you didn’t. I’ve been haunted by his background story these past few days, so taking chances and following through are definitely on the brain.

Re: following through, for the first time in long time, I’m making some actual headway on my shortlist of life goals. By which I mean, I’m actually working on one, and living another (though not for the first time).

The Big Short List

• Graduate from college
• Live alone
• Train in a martial art (ongoing, in progress)
• Become fluent in at least one other language
• Learn to sing (voice lessons)
• Live overseas for at least a year
• Jump out of a plane (skydiving)
• Master the smoky eye (this is a new, rather comical one, but it has its place)

Most of this list has existed for as long as I can remember, so it’s pretty sad that I’ve made so little progress. My new-found affiliation with the Bujinkan actually has me quite frustrated that I waited so long to get started on this one. I’ve wanted to train in a martial art since I was a little kid – what took me so long?! I would be so good by now! Ah well, at least I’m finally on the path. I’ve been going 3-5 times a week, and while I totally suck at it, I’m enjoying every moment of it. So rewarding.

I’m not sure what’s going to be next on this list… perhaps the smoky eye, since a friend has offered to help me down that path. Ha.

soaked, tired, happy

drips

On the positive tip, here’s another list:

Things I’m Thankful For (right this moment)

• The smell of bacon that’s floating in the window
• Coffee, despite the recent price increase
• Old, dear friends
• Memories
• My family
• Korean BBQ
• This cooler weather
• This cooler weather (SO thankful)
• The sounds of the wild parrots who live nearby
• My ability to connect with people
• Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu, and my teachers
• Friends I haven’t seen in 10+ years who I’ve managed to stay connected to
• My relatively good health (strange, since I’m sick today)

I haven’t been posting here much – life (work and taijutsu) can be so distracting – but for the couple of you who actually read this, you may be interested in my photo project, A Year of Days. By design, I’m accountable to my friend Ryan (who is my co-conspirator on the project), so I’ve actually been updating that regularly. No words, but still…

Be well. Take chances.

heading home early (banksy in boston)

cooler air

I just read this and it reminded me of an earlier post, and my friend RT’s response to my concerns:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
- Robert Heinlein

Speaking of fighting efficiently, I joined a Budo Taijutsu dojo over the weekend. I’ve trained twice now, and have already learned quite a bit (falling, defensive techniques, jab, long range punch, joint locks, and throws). It’s amazing how little strength you need when you’re executing the techniques properly! I’ve sustained some minor bruising and skin burns (the latter fade by morning), and my quads say hello when I go up or down stairs, but my body seems to be pretty ok with it all. I know I don’t have much to go from, but I’m really enjoying it so far.

warmer weather

And now for something completely different:

Photos of a giant sinkhole in Guatemala, from New York Times’ Dot Earth blog and Yahoo News. Whoa. I can hardly wrap my brain around that.

hudson curves & shadows

lunch hour on the hudson

east river approach

After 4.5 years of always considering someone else, I find myself trying to relearn the concept of me first. I’ve always been the type of person to walk it off – whatever heavy thing “it” might be… and so I’ve been spending my lunch hours walking, listening to my iPod, smoking Nat Shermans, and alternating between looking around and staring straight ahead.

I finally made it to the Hudson, and the following day the East River. I’ve walked uptown and downtown. I’ve been taking pictures of everything along the way, which feels good. There’s been a lot of that “hello solo self, old friend” feeling.

new view

three

ripple

Also recently, I’ve been doing a lot of research into Martial Arts styles. I haven’t chosen one yet, but I’ve started to visit classes to find the right style and location for me. I think I could really benefit from the exercise, discipline, and focus that such a practice would bring.

sky over rossman

blue eye

sky over bike and hapkido dojang

To those of you who I’ve been ignoring, thanks for your emails… I keep meaning to respond but I just haven’t been in the mood to communicate. I’ll come back out from under the rock before too long. I’ve been thinking about you, and hope you’re well.

x (grenade boy)

light

Right after my friend RB moved down here, I recall D (the owner of my local bar) telling us that moving to NY was always tumultuous. He said that you arrive and fall in love, then after four months everything comes crashing down around you. Eventually you get over it and rebuild yourself, he noted. Still, I can’t help but consider his words as I begin my fourth month as a New York resident. I’ve spent the past few days panicking a little, and having minor emotional crises.

Time flies! Four months is almost half a year! I have boxes left to unpack, and belongings left to purge. My receiver isn’t set up (haven’t listened to NPR at all!), and I haven’t hung any artwork. There are so many people I know in this city and I haven’t even seen a number of them.

What am I even doing here, anyway? I mean, I love this place — I don’t want to be anywhere else — but what am I doing with my life? Watching L work hard toward his dream reminds me that I’m not sure which dream I want to achieve. To cope, I’ve taken to making lists. Pros/cons lists to help me make decisions, and lists to remind me what I meant to get or do. It sounds kind of OCD, but I swear there are only a couple actually on paper on the fridge and table. Ok, so I have one in a draft email right now.

Who I’ve Thought I Might Want to Be

• Astronaut
• Astrophysicist
• Food Photographer
• Travel Photographer
• Fine Art Photographer
• Dancer
• Jeweler
• Quantum Cryptographer
• *N*X Sysadmin
• Diplomat
• Lawyer (focus on Privacy & Civil Liberties)
• Policy Maker (focus on Privacy & Civil Liberties)
• Ethicist
• Children’s Book Author
• Florist
• Travel Writer
• Lady of Leisure
• PHD (of some sort)
• Food Critic

I’m sure there are some I’m forgetting. Notably, what I am (Programmer) is not on the list. I never really meant to be a programmer, I just sort of fell into it… as much as one can fall through a four year Computer Science degree, anyway. I’m still young, I know, but spending eight years working in a field you don’t love seems like a waste of this short life.

A lot of my friends are incredible at what they do. They’ve been doing it forever, and they’re true specialists. I admire them greatly, and wish I could be like them, but every time I contemplate choosing one profession and mastering it I realize that I’m interested in too many things to commit to one and become truly great at it. Says the person who has spent 8 years doing something she doesn’t love.

Moving to NY was a necessary change for me, and I appreciate this new life… but this recurring crisis tells me that if I know I don’t want to be what I am, I should be working toward something else. But what?

Who I Think I May Still Want to Be

• Astronaut (no chance, I know, but a girl can dream, can’t she?)
• Food Photographer
• Fine Art Photographer
• Diplomat
• Lawyer (focus on Privacy & Civil Liberties)
• Policy Maker (focus on Privacy & Civil Liberties)
• Florist
• Lady of Leisure
• PHD (of some sort)

I’m hoping there’s something missing from that list that is going to come to me, or that I feel a spark to move forward with one of those things. Soon. Meanwhile I’ll try to hold it together in my current life (D’s prophecy be damned)… eating, photographing, donating to civil liberties organizations, and buying cut flowers as I can.